Alexei Dmitri Konstatntin Nikolay Sergei Stepanovich has just arrived in New York, leaving behind a flailing career as a comedian to start a new life in the USA. On his way to find a job, he has the misfortune to sit next to a British courier for the Russian intelligence agency, and now the FBI thinks he is a spy, which is equally unfortunate for Special Agents Humphrey and Williams, who must watch Alexei like a hawk to figure out what he is (not) up to. Why is he flirting with Maggie the waitress? Does Angel, in her zealous devotion to the memory of the Eagle’s Glenn Frey, represent some kind of threat to national security? What about Richard, the despondent owner of The Egg Plant, or the peculiar Alejandro, a man allergic to nearly everything except coffee? Ultimately, the FBI brings in superstar agent Tara Butler, who gets to the bottom of the case – to find the least-expected culprit of them all.

 

 

SPECIAL AGENT WILLIAM (BILL) WILLIAMS — New to the FBI, this is his first case right out of the academy. He’s a straight-laced linguist with a typically unexpressed inner core of snarkiness, and a little bit more than just a bit neurotic about correcting any and every mistake he identifies. He’s not too comfortable with the unknown (and especially women, who are definitely a big unknown to him), and has recently developed severe anatidaephobia.

 

SPECIAL AGENT JAMES (JIM) HUMPHREY — Jim has been an agent since dinosaurs were working as short order cooks. He likes to do things the easy way whenever possible, and gladly creates his own little bubble of reality to keep himself amused. He likes to make up new words, and believes that a life worth living is one that involves ordering unheard-of meals. For all that, however, he’s a competent and dedicated agent.

 

BRIT (minor) — Speaking with a strong cockney accent and devoid of patience, the unnamed Brit is a dynamic personality with mysterious motivations.

 

ALEXEI DMITRY KONSTANTIN NIKOLAY SERGEI STEPANOVICH — Alexei is a simple immigrant from Russia trying to start a new life in America. A comedian in his former life, he is kind-hearted and genuine throughout, eager to help wherever he can, and a deep thinker. He struggles with the peculiarities of English, which often get in his way of understanding what’s happening. He always sees the good in people.

 

SPY (very minor) — A bit character, SPY is the actual “bad guy” that Williams and Humphrey think Alexei is. And no, nothing bad ends up happening to him/her, although after the play is over and s/he is relaxing on a beach on the Russian Riviera, s/he gets bitten by a frog.

 

ANGEL MAGLIONI — Angel is a waitress at “The Egg Plant”. Regardless of her biological age, she will be turning 193 next year. Cynical, unendingly exhausted, and apathetic, she is karmic retribution for anyone who ever stiffed a server at a restaurant. She is obsessed with Glenn Frey, and she spends a lot of her time quoting Eagles songs. Under her snark is a fierce loyalty to her friends.

 

RICHARD FRILLMAN — Richard is the owner of “The Egg Plant” and does everything else that isn’t getting done at the diner… which is essentially everything. Despite having been beaten to a pulp by the inequities of life, he’s a good fellow who cares deeply about his employees. 

 

MARGARET (MAGGIE) BEECHER-SIMS — Maggie is a waitress at “The Egg Plant” who actively waitresses. She is a single mother with a life history that is not quite as bad as Richard’s, but far more challenging than anyone should have to endure. Still, she never stops trying to improve herself and her situation, and to bring others up with her. She is thoughtful and kind, but also a little impish.

 

ALEJANDRO HERNANDEZ — A regular at the Egg Plant, Alejandro fancies himself an intellectual, but his libido begs to differ. He refuses to eat anything that he considers dairy, which includes things made of milk, made near milk, having a texture or hue that resembles milk, or spelled with the letter M. His goal in life is to get from birth to death with as little effort and responsibility as absolutely possible, while drinking as much coffee as absolutely possible.

 

SPECIAL AGENT TARA BUTLER — Tara is one of the FBI’s top agents. Shrewd, intelligent, and disarmingly sexy, she has a solid, professional shell with the occasional window that gives glimpses of a humane, caring inner core. Frustrated by the curse of beauty, she is very appreciative of those rare males who can look past physical appearance to see her inner nerd.